On Love:: The Magnet in Your Heart
Updated: Jun 26, 2019
When I was in the throes of mis-using food, I was also totally obsessed with finding “THE ONE.” Certain that my happiness existed somewhere “out there” (i.e, I was looking for a solution in things outside of myself), I turned over stone after stone searching for what I thought I wanted, what would make me a good woman.
The right diet, the right man, the right, well crafted looking life. If I could just “get” him, then I would feel satisfied and complete and really good about my life and who I was.
My first clue that maybe I was on the wrong track was describing the traits I was looking for in my ideal man. As I was painting the picture of this perfect guy to a friend, she stopped me and said “Well, Amy, all the things you say you want in him are really all the things you want to be yourself.” Oof. She was right! And I hated that. I didn’t want to have to do those things myself, I mean come on, couldn’t I just find the perfect guy who would be head over heels crazy about me and THEN I could feel good about myself?
And so I pushed, and I pushed and I pushed for it, and finally, the universe said “Okay, we’ll try it your way, Ms. Jones.” And along came a guy, that while he didn’t match any of my ideal attributes, fell head over heels in love with me. And I with him. I was ecstatic. I was planning for kids, marriage, the whole thing. My mother was so happy. He was such a good guy. It was all just as I wanted. Until it wasn’t. Until it went flat and the love turned into routine and the routine got boring and uh-oh, there I was again. With myself. Desperate, flailing, wondering what I had done wrong.
I could have gone on like this for YEARS, consuming and discarding man after man, certain that one day the RIGHT guy would finally stick and I would find that satisfaction I yearned for.
Lucky for me, divine intervention prevailed, and in the most unlikely of time and places, on a day I felt good and happy and satisfied with myself, a little voice whispered, “maybe it was never about him, and always about you. Maybe you are the reason that relationship felt so good for so long.” Riding the high of how good I felt, that little whisper of a voice permeated through all my conditioned ideas of how “finding a man” was the ultimate success as a woman. As though men are commodities to acquire and hang one’s proverbial hat on.
Me? Was I really, possibly the thing that had made the relationship sparkle as it had? Was I the magnetism that set the whole thing alight? I reflected on it. It was after all, me who had the energy, the playfulness, the wild, impulsive, fun demeanor. He was smart and attractive and engaging, but yup, when I thought of our most fantastical times, those were of my doing.
So I followed this thought down a rabbit hole of self exploration & inquiry and sure enough, what I found to be true is that being in love is actually very little to do with the other person and very much to do with you and the self expression that being in love brings you. OF COURSE, you love the other person and the awesomeness they are, but all that they are draws from you all that you are. It is your magnetism that draws out his and vice versa. His negative pole attracts your positive pole. Both always have the magnetic charge available, but it isn’t until the two come together that true magic happens.
However, most women lose focus of all they have and instead focus on all he has, and they miss out on the spectacular, magnetic and abundance of who they are while they are searching and seeking for a man to fill their heart. Just as I so single-mindedly searched in another, ignoring all that was in me.
But what I’ve learned is key:: your heart is already full. Your magnet is charged and ready to go. It is waiting to pour all its magnetism out. While communion with another offers a depth and saturation that is unique and treasured on its own, the connection with all you are is the one constant you can always count on. And trust me, you’ll want to be able to count on it. Constantly searching outside oneself, as you probably well know, is a tireless, and rarely fruitful search. Whatever you search for to fill that place inside has a pretty short shelf life. When you start the journey of expressing your magnetism all on your own, you’ll find the satisfaction and satiation you were looking for in him, has actually been in you, the whole time.
The real twist of the whole thing? When you walk around in the world radiating your magnetism, the magnet in his heart has a much more likely possibility of finding yours.